more thinking...

so i have been in pain pretty much my entire life. you think i would be used to it...but  it doesn't work that way. life doesn't work that way. so i had a test block. it, of course, wore off like it is intended to do but the return of pain made me think of other pains. pains of my family and friends, pains i should be dealing with better but i'm not sure that i am. my child is asleep. she looks so peaceful but she is going through her own pain. being an adolescent is not the easiest thing all on its own. add in other pain from being a tween...and you have a not  so happy little girl. she is mostly happy, and i will always think she is perfect. but sometimes...i know...how hard this life must be for her. i can't really explain all of the details out of respect, but emotional pain. she deserves much better. i wish i had control over more of it, but i don't. much like my own pain. i only can control so much. mend so much. i keep moving forward. forward is all we have as people. living in the past goes by too fast and before you know it you have lost your life for dwelling. writing is a form of sanctuary. i'm not entirely sure why but it is like unloading. the not smoking thing is going better than i thought. i  still have urges but it is getting easier. i worry for my friends also. again, no specifics, but i cannot picture a world without them. i worry for my husband and nothing is wrong with him, but just the thought of 'what would i do if something were to happen'? i wonder how i would deal with that, or if something happened to my daughter. how would i deal with that? i don't honestly know. part of me is sure i have dealt with enough pain and nothing else will happen, but i know that is not true. i have a funeral this week. i didn't know the person very well but who they were to a particular family means a lot to me. the suffering is gone. in that is relief but death in itself is hard on anyone. the idea of the finality of death is hard. that someday this journey will come to an end. and for those directly affected there are emotions ranging anywhere between how much you miss them, to what could you have done, to did they know how much you loved them. i know this because i have been there. i know not being specific makes this particular reading hard to comprehend, but to those who understand...who know about what i am talking about, i know where you are right now. i know how much this hurts and what it means, and i love you and i'm here for you as i know you would be here for me. i know the racing thoughts and the silence that is so deafening.  that feeling that you will never see them, or talk to them, or ask them for advice, or listen to them again. it is a reality that is hard to imagine. it is unlike any other pain that you will ever experience. it is the questions that you can't, for certain, answer, and that reality is hard to face. hard to call real. so...how do you go on. i could bullshit you and tell you that time makes it easier but the reality is that time makes small differences, and with each year a different feeling arises. some years are better than others and it cycles until it is just normal. and you still hurt, and you still miss them, but you understand the reality differently. it becomes less agonizing though still saddening. you become stronger, not for what you have lost, but for what you still have and who you still have to be strong for. do you build tolerance...not in its known sense. you will never tolerate death. you will only become stronger from the deaths you've experienced when enough time has past, and again it is cyclical. a trigger can hit you and you will feel worse. your recovery time will usually be less but that is not a guarantee. with any luck, the pain lasts for a shorter time. at least the intense pain. you figure out what works for you when dealing with it. look for what you still have is my best advice. children, grand children, dogs, cats, pets in general. people in your life that you consider friends or family. because the truth is that they still need you, and you need to be there for them, and let them help you. it is okay to accept help. and okay to pray. and okay to talk to those who have passed. it is okay for you to feel how you are feeling and find a way to rationalize. don't forget to ask for help, and more  importantly...to accept help when it is offered. accepting love is just as important as giving love. i love you. you know who you are.

Thinking...

Thinking

So...been thinking about my decisions...it's been hard...but there are people in my life who are rooting for me. I am so thankful for that. There are still some things that are causing me some stress. Decisions that I am forced to make that make me think way too much. Decisions that make me think that I have let people down. My husband is such a great man, and I have some great friends. People who support me and let me know that what I am doing is worth it. Still, I think too much. Will I ever feel normal? Well...the answer to that is not so simple. What is normal? Is it the standard level of pain to which you have become accustomed? To me...it seems that way. Every time I move on to something...I leave things behind. I feel bad for the people I have left behind and I am trying to rectify this because those people do matter. I haven't always made the right choices, but I try to learn from them. I keep dreaming of my sister. The funny thing is that even in my dreams, I am the only one who knows that she is there. I worry for some of my family...I don't want  to out right say who, but she is too young to go through what she has gone through. I can't even imagine what she must ask God everyday...and my living so far away must not feel so great, and I wish it were different in that way. My sister used to call me the run away family member. Always looking to make a new family. I wish I would have told her things before she died. Before someone took her from me. But I didn't say it all, and she died not knowing things that I wanted to tell her. That hurts more than I can explain here. I feel that she left me behind sometimes, but she knew that Mom didn't feel as close to me as she did to her. She knew this and she left. I know that it wasn't her choice and certainly wasn't her fault. I just hurt. I feel bad and I miss her. I feel separated sometimes. From the people I should feel closest too. Some of them have such high standards that I will always let them down no matter what choice I make. I do what I can because of my daughter. I always try to protect her, because that is what I love...and it is my main job. I can see my life for the whole of things now, and I will never get to do exactly what I want to do, because the world is not set up that way. Everything is about money and who you know. I have never been one of those people. I am who I am, and I am not one of the "main" people in my world. People may never know what I have done or sacrificed. But still...some of them do, and I appreciate them for that. I'm tired. In my being I'm tired, but those special people keep me going forward. Thank you for that.

The deeper issue is...

So, I am in the middle of watching Grey's Anatomy and decided to start writing again. Grant it....it's just a blog but still, an outlet is an outlet is it not? For the sake of privacy, we will say that my name is Verruca, though most of who will read this will know that my real name is something else. I'm a 31 year old mother who just got remarried in June. I work for a great company, sadly, I can't really post what that is. It is an office setting, and I am really enjoying it. The hours are great, but definitely going to add on to them once I pass the waiting period in month. So...what to do with all of this extra time...learning guitar is an option since I have the guitar and instructional videos. I'm going to start working on my Master's degree in the next month or two. I'm going to finish with a Master's in Organizational and Industrial psychology. Perfect for any organization really. Someone who knows how to aide in the moral of employees...sign me up! My biggest issue in this life is that I am what is considered ed to be a jack of all trades, but a master of none. I used to believe that writing was my "thing", and then being a lawyer, and now working in Psychology which used to mean counseling, however...that would probably be hard for me since I care too much for people. Sounds weird right? Well if you become too attached it affects your life, and sometimes not for the better. You begin bringing everything home and become less effective at actually helping. On top of that, a social work degree is about $100,000, so that is a no go. I was not born into gold so I have to find avenues that I actually can afford. Besides, the new company I'm working for, provides a pension, meaning that I am not going anywhere as it ensures my future will not always include a typical work week, or as my last employer made me participate in, a crazy work week with virtually no home life, social life, or proper sleep schedule. On top of everything, the work place practices for this place were in no uncertain terms "a factious torture chamber that leaves you bereft of your soul". I was feeling emotional this week and my husband decided that this must be my soul regenerating. So my soul is like a human liver and can regenerate if further damage is not inflicted. In short, changing jobs saved my life. More than just finally having one (a life), but the fact that I suffer from several disorders that a work place like the one I came from, are not conducive to good health. When you balance the need for money and the need for family, friends, and health the choice becomes more clear though the decision is one that you have to make with great financial thought. Which I did. I tossed and turned at the idea of going from $46,000 a year to 12-13 dollars an hour. However, the benefits of this life changing decision have left my family in a better place emotionally. And to me...that is worth its weight in gold.

more....stuff

So I'm sitting next to my E cig wondering why I am having such a hard time at the thought of quitting smoking. And then I think of the past and how okay it was to smoke. How unnoticeable the smoking was. It just was. If someone lit up, no one thought anything of it. And now I think of Cancer. Thank you life history and Grey's Anatomy. I wonder if I can actually do it...along with everything else. Why is it this little thing reflects so much. Smoking is a metaphor for my entire life. Can I really do what I plan, or will I always fall into old, familiar, comfortable patterns? In this way, the mental addiction can be stronger than the physical. On a side note, karma really does its job. Found out recently that someone attempted to scar my reputation with completely fabricated facts which shall remain un described. So karma did what I could not. And that is okay with me. I would like to say that rumors don't bother me, but when I am really trying to make myself a better person, it really bothers me when some petty, bored human being has decided that to get more glory or perhaps to detract from their own mishaps, that they will fabricate a falsehood so that they become the marter who has interjected some new, fabricated, juicy gossip. It bothers me that people think that this act is okay because it takes the heat off of them and their situation. It bothers me that I befriend people only to have them make up falsehoods that make me look bad and themselves look, at the very least, more interesting. As if somehow, this makes it okay. It doesn't. The good news is that now that I have said my piece, even though they don't know that I know exactly who they are, that I can be okay now. I have nothing to defend here. I did not do this fabricated thing, and it is okay that some pitiful person has done what they felt that they needed  to do to detract from themselves. In the end, karma will have its way with them. One thing after another will happen and it will either mean something or it will not. The important thing to know is, that what we tell ourselves what we need  to feel better is what we need to get by. To get past it. So if I believe that things will happen to show that person that these things are not okay will happen, and that makes it okay for me to move on...then it's okay. Because it makes me feel stronger and be more able to move on. If I believe that there is a God, a singular being, and that makes it okay for me to breathe and move forward, than that is okay. Just like it is okay for people to love the way they want to love, and even for people to make up rumors to make themselves feel better. It is okay, because in the end it is about what we are okay with and how we can move on. Maybe that  persons life is so messed up that telling a little fib about me takes the pressure off. And for me, understanding this and thinking that karma or God or whatever will show them the way makes me feel better, and takes the pressure off of me. So in this way, it is okay. Because in the end, it is all up to us. For myself, I would like to think that quitting smoking is so hard because it has to do with my need to have a break. I know deep down that the issues are deeper and I make cigarettes way more important than they need to be. The real issues are there. And one really big issue that comes up in dreams when I don't want them too... I miss her...my sister... I like to think she can hear me...and for now...that's okay with me.

Life is for the Living

So, I am in the middle of watching Grey's Anatomy and decided to start writing again. Grant it....it's just a blog but still, an outlet is an outlet is it not? For the sake of privacy, we will say that my name is Verruca, though most of who will read this will know that my real name is something else. I'm a 31 year old mother who just got remarried in June. I work for a great company, sadly, I can't really post what that is. It is an office setting, and I am really enjoying it. The hours are great, but definitely going to add on to them once I pass the waiting period in month. So...what to do with all of this extra time...learning guitar is an option since I have the guitar and instructional videos. I'm going to start working on my Master's degree in the next month or two. I'm going to finish with a Master's in Organizational and Industrial psychology. Perfect for any organization really. Someone who knows how to aide in the moral of employees...sign me up! My biggest issue in this life is that I am what is considered ed to be a jack of all trades, but a master of none. I used to believe that writing was my "thing", and then being a lawyer, and now working in Psychology which used to mean counseling, however...that would probably be hard for me since I care too much for people. Sounds weird right? Well if you become too attached it affects your life, and sometimes not for the better. You begin bringing everything home and become less effective at actually helping. On top of that, a social work degree is about $100,000, so that is a no go. I was not born into gold so I have to find avenues that I actually can afford. Besides, the new company I'm working for, provides a pension, meaning that I am not going anywhere as it ensures my future will not always include a typical work week, or as my last employer made me participate in, a crazy work week with virtually no home life, social life, or proper sleep schedule. On top of everything, the work place practices for this place were in no uncertain terms "a factious torture chamber that leaves you bereft of your soul". I was feeling emotional this week and my husband decided that this must be my soul regenerating. So my soul is like a human liver and can regenerate if further damage is not inflicted. In short, changing jobs saved my life. More than just finally having one (a life), but the fact that I suffer from several disorders that a work place like the one I came from, are not conducive to good health. When you balance the need for money and the need for family, friends, and health the choice becomes more clear though the decision is one that you have to make with great financial thought. Which I did. I tossed and turned at the idea of going from $46,000 a year to 12-13 dollars an hour. However, the benefits of this life changing decision have left my family in a better place emotionally. And to me...that is worth its weight in gold.