more....stuff

So I'm sitting next to my E cig wondering why I am having such a hard time at the thought of quitting smoking. And then I think of the past and how okay it was to smoke. How unnoticeable the smoking was. It just was. If someone lit up, no one thought anything of it. And now I think of Cancer. Thank you life history and Grey's Anatomy. I wonder if I can actually do it...along with everything else. Why is it this little thing reflects so much. Smoking is a metaphor for my entire life. Can I really do what I plan, or will I always fall into old, familiar, comfortable patterns? In this way, the mental addiction can be stronger than the physical. On a side note, karma really does its job. Found out recently that someone attempted to scar my reputation with completely fabricated facts which shall remain un described. So karma did what I could not. And that is okay with me. I would like to say that rumors don't bother me, but when I am really trying to make myself a better person, it really bothers me when some petty, bored human being has decided that to get more glory or perhaps to detract from their own mishaps, that they will fabricate a falsehood so that they become the marter who has interjected some new, fabricated, juicy gossip. It bothers me that people think that this act is okay because it takes the heat off of them and their situation. It bothers me that I befriend people only to have them make up falsehoods that make me look bad and themselves look, at the very least, more interesting. As if somehow, this makes it okay. It doesn't. The good news is that now that I have said my piece, even though they don't know that I know exactly who they are, that I can be okay now. I have nothing to defend here. I did not do this fabricated thing, and it is okay that some pitiful person has done what they felt that they needed  to do to detract from themselves. In the end, karma will have its way with them. One thing after another will happen and it will either mean something or it will not. The important thing to know is, that what we tell ourselves what we need  to feel better is what we need to get by. To get past it. So if I believe that things will happen to show that person that these things are not okay will happen, and that makes it okay for me to move on...then it's okay. Because it makes me feel stronger and be more able to move on. If I believe that there is a God, a singular being, and that makes it okay for me to breathe and move forward, than that is okay. Just like it is okay for people to love the way they want to love, and even for people to make up rumors to make themselves feel better. It is okay, because in the end it is about what we are okay with and how we can move on. Maybe that  persons life is so messed up that telling a little fib about me takes the pressure off. And for me, understanding this and thinking that karma or God or whatever will show them the way makes me feel better, and takes the pressure off of me. So in this way, it is okay. Because in the end, it is all up to us. For myself, I would like to think that quitting smoking is so hard because it has to do with my need to have a break. I know deep down that the issues are deeper and I make cigarettes way more important than they need to be. The real issues are there. And one really big issue that comes up in dreams when I don't want them too... I miss her...my sister... I like to think she can hear me...and for now...that's okay with me.