Thinking...

Thinking

So...been thinking about my decisions...it's been hard...but there are people in my life who are rooting for me. I am so thankful for that. There are still some things that are causing me some stress. Decisions that I am forced to make that make me think way too much. Decisions that make me think that I have let people down. My husband is such a great man, and I have some great friends. People who support me and let me know that what I am doing is worth it. Still, I think too much. Will I ever feel normal? Well...the answer to that is not so simple. What is normal? Is it the standard level of pain to which you have become accustomed? To me...it seems that way. Every time I move on to something...I leave things behind. I feel bad for the people I have left behind and I am trying to rectify this because those people do matter. I haven't always made the right choices, but I try to learn from them. I keep dreaming of my sister. The funny thing is that even in my dreams, I am the only one who knows that she is there. I worry for some of my family...I don't want  to out right say who, but she is too young to go through what she has gone through. I can't even imagine what she must ask God everyday...and my living so far away must not feel so great, and I wish it were different in that way. My sister used to call me the run away family member. Always looking to make a new family. I wish I would have told her things before she died. Before someone took her from me. But I didn't say it all, and she died not knowing things that I wanted to tell her. That hurts more than I can explain here. I feel that she left me behind sometimes, but she knew that Mom didn't feel as close to me as she did to her. She knew this and she left. I know that it wasn't her choice and certainly wasn't her fault. I just hurt. I feel bad and I miss her. I feel separated sometimes. From the people I should feel closest too. Some of them have such high standards that I will always let them down no matter what choice I make. I do what I can because of my daughter. I always try to protect her, because that is what I love...and it is my main job. I can see my life for the whole of things now, and I will never get to do exactly what I want to do, because the world is not set up that way. Everything is about money and who you know. I have never been one of those people. I am who I am, and I am not one of the "main" people in my world. People may never know what I have done or sacrificed. But still...some of them do, and I appreciate them for that. I'm tired. In my being I'm tired, but those special people keep me going forward. Thank you for that.