more thinking...

so i have been in pain pretty much my entire life. you think i would be used to it...but  it doesn't work that way. life doesn't work that way. so i had a test block. it, of course, wore off like it is intended to do but the return of pain made me think of other pains. pains of my family and friends, pains i should be dealing with better but i'm not sure that i am. my child is asleep. she looks so peaceful but she is going through her own pain. being an adolescent is not the easiest thing all on its own. add in other pain from being a tween...and you have a not  so happy little girl. she is mostly happy, and i will always think she is perfect. but sometimes...i know...how hard this life must be for her. i can't really explain all of the details out of respect, but emotional pain. she deserves much better. i wish i had control over more of it, but i don't. much like my own pain. i only can control so much. mend so much. i keep moving forward. forward is all we have as people. living in the past goes by too fast and before you know it you have lost your life for dwelling. writing is a form of sanctuary. i'm not entirely sure why but it is like unloading. the not smoking thing is going better than i thought. i  still have urges but it is getting easier. i worry for my friends also. again, no specifics, but i cannot picture a world without them. i worry for my husband and nothing is wrong with him, but just the thought of 'what would i do if something were to happen'? i wonder how i would deal with that, or if something happened to my daughter. how would i deal with that? i don't honestly know. part of me is sure i have dealt with enough pain and nothing else will happen, but i know that is not true. i have a funeral this week. i didn't know the person very well but who they were to a particular family means a lot to me. the suffering is gone. in that is relief but death in itself is hard on anyone. the idea of the finality of death is hard. that someday this journey will come to an end. and for those directly affected there are emotions ranging anywhere between how much you miss them, to what could you have done, to did they know how much you loved them. i know this because i have been there. i know not being specific makes this particular reading hard to comprehend, but to those who understand...who know about what i am talking about, i know where you are right now. i know how much this hurts and what it means, and i love you and i'm here for you as i know you would be here for me. i know the racing thoughts and the silence that is so deafening.  that feeling that you will never see them, or talk to them, or ask them for advice, or listen to them again. it is a reality that is hard to imagine. it is unlike any other pain that you will ever experience. it is the questions that you can't, for certain, answer, and that reality is hard to face. hard to call real. so...how do you go on. i could bullshit you and tell you that time makes it easier but the reality is that time makes small differences, and with each year a different feeling arises. some years are better than others and it cycles until it is just normal. and you still hurt, and you still miss them, but you understand the reality differently. it becomes less agonizing though still saddening. you become stronger, not for what you have lost, but for what you still have and who you still have to be strong for. do you build tolerance...not in its known sense. you will never tolerate death. you will only become stronger from the deaths you've experienced when enough time has past, and again it is cyclical. a trigger can hit you and you will feel worse. your recovery time will usually be less but that is not a guarantee. with any luck, the pain lasts for a shorter time. at least the intense pain. you figure out what works for you when dealing with it. look for what you still have is my best advice. children, grand children, dogs, cats, pets in general. people in your life that you consider friends or family. because the truth is that they still need you, and you need to be there for them, and let them help you. it is okay to accept help. and okay to pray. and okay to talk to those who have passed. it is okay for you to feel how you are feeling and find a way to rationalize. don't forget to ask for help, and more  importantly...to accept help when it is offered. accepting love is just as important as giving love. i love you. you know who you are.

Thinking...

Thinking

So...been thinking about my decisions...it's been hard...but there are people in my life who are rooting for me. I am so thankful for that. There are still some things that are causing me some stress. Decisions that I am forced to make that make me think way too much. Decisions that make me think that I have let people down. My husband is such a great man, and I have some great friends. People who support me and let me know that what I am doing is worth it. Still, I think too much. Will I ever feel normal? Well...the answer to that is not so simple. What is normal? Is it the standard level of pain to which you have become accustomed? To me...it seems that way. Every time I move on to something...I leave things behind. I feel bad for the people I have left behind and I am trying to rectify this because those people do matter. I haven't always made the right choices, but I try to learn from them. I keep dreaming of my sister. The funny thing is that even in my dreams, I am the only one who knows that she is there. I worry for some of my family...I don't want  to out right say who, but she is too young to go through what she has gone through. I can't even imagine what she must ask God everyday...and my living so far away must not feel so great, and I wish it were different in that way. My sister used to call me the run away family member. Always looking to make a new family. I wish I would have told her things before she died. Before someone took her from me. But I didn't say it all, and she died not knowing things that I wanted to tell her. That hurts more than I can explain here. I feel that she left me behind sometimes, but she knew that Mom didn't feel as close to me as she did to her. She knew this and she left. I know that it wasn't her choice and certainly wasn't her fault. I just hurt. I feel bad and I miss her. I feel separated sometimes. From the people I should feel closest too. Some of them have such high standards that I will always let them down no matter what choice I make. I do what I can because of my daughter. I always try to protect her, because that is what I love...and it is my main job. I can see my life for the whole of things now, and I will never get to do exactly what I want to do, because the world is not set up that way. Everything is about money and who you know. I have never been one of those people. I am who I am, and I am not one of the "main" people in my world. People may never know what I have done or sacrificed. But still...some of them do, and I appreciate them for that. I'm tired. In my being I'm tired, but those special people keep me going forward. Thank you for that.